I was on a 40 oz. (Old English) tear that summer. My best friend and his Dad would pick me up an we would cruise the city drinking 40’s in his Dad’s ‘81 El Camino. This one particular night the Old Gold was hitting me hard. After I downed my first one, we stopped at a liquor store to get some more. My friend and his Dad go in the store and tell me to stay in the car. They enter and I say “Fuck this!” and head in the store myself with a big shit-eating grin on. I see the store clerk mopping so I pull an Ezel from Friday and fall flat on my ass on purpose and yell “I’m suing y’all!”, bringing down a couple of bags of chips with me. Needless to say, a scene was made. So my friend’s Dad (who we call Cheech cause, well, he looks like Cheech Marin) is buying the beers and making small talk to alleviate any tension I have created. He’s telling them about how he used to work down the street at a mechanic’s shop and how he “came here all the time” and I proceed to beligerantly say “Cheech, shut the fuck up. They don’t give a fuck about that shit. Buy the beer and let’s go!”. The only thing I hear after that is my best friend giggling and the clerk telling Cheech how much the beer is. So, after we get the beer, we cruise for a while we stop at a park so me and my friend can smoke a litlle doobie. (His Dad was cool like that). So, we get to smoking and Cheech, who was a little sad I made him look like a dick, starts fucking with me. We get to fucking around and it turns into a slap boxing match. I give him a good one to his kisser and he gets pissed and proceeds to chase me. He says he’s gonna leave me and he jumps in the El Camino. I jump in the back and try to give him a punch in the shoulder, miss, and end up giving him a good shot to the left side of his head. My friend Raul, his son, said his head actually rattled between my fist and the head rest. This was an accident of course but he couldn’t see that so he zoomed off and left me there to make my own way home. So I’m sitting on a bench thinking about how the fuck I’m gonna get home and some hussies in a convertible cruise by. They could tell I wasn’t a hobo so they asked me what I was doing here alone. So I tell them my side of the story and they say, in their best drunken latina accent, “Thass fucked uuup, A!” and offer to give me a ride home. So right when I’m about to jump in I hear the El Camino speeding around the corner coming back. Cheech and Raul came back to pick me up. As soon as they pull up they get tag-teamed by these to girls. One of them started kicking the El Camino and kept asking Cheech “Why you leave him for?”. The other was trying to get in Raul’s face and Raul starts holding her back by the tits. He’s smiling at me cause his palming this chick’s tits while she’s trying to yell at him for leaving me. The other girl is still kicking the car and yelling and Cheech leans over to me and says “If this bitch kicks the truck one more time, I’m gonna slap her ass”. She kicks the car and Cheech open hand slaps her in mid-kick. The brut force throws her balance off and she falls flat on her ass. I didn’t think he’d do it, but he did and I love him for it. So she hits the ground and looks at Cheech shocked as fuck and says “Why the fuck you heet me for, A?” and the other girl starts yelling the same shit. We jump in the El Camino and drive away leaving the two gangster bitches at the park still wondering why the fuck Cheech hit them for, A.

I might let her kick my El Camino.

K here goes,

My name is Casey and I was an alcoholic. Well all my friends from college and I were, but that’s not the point. I live in Rochester Hills Michigan right next to Oakland University. Now I know a lot of you people out there dont know anything about Oakland U, but there is one thing you should know. There are 4 to 1 girls to guys on that campus. And most of the chicks around here are pretty wealthy, thus well taken care of by daddy and amazingly hot. Well my buddies and I used to have house parties at my crib at least 2 nights a week, from the time I was 21 to…. well… now. And one of these such parties was by far the best. We play this game called Edward 40 hands.  The object of the game is to finish both 40’s before the other people playing. The loser is the one who either, throws up, pisses their pants, or is the last to finish. And if you are unfortunate enough to lose, then you have to bun run around the house with the whole party taunting you the whole time. Now back to the story. It was a saturday night and I had 6 or 7 of my good friends over, who by the way never pull any tail, EVER. And my buddy Matt, who is the only one besides me who isnt vaginally challenged enough to score some poon. So naturally Matt and I start calling some girls, telling everyone we were having a bonfire and to bring 40’s for the game. Well little did we know that the girls we called had a sister sorority in from texas, and were bringing 20 or so smoking hott girls over with them. So about a half hour goes by and we are starting to hit the sauce pretty heavy, when ding-dong, the girls showed up. It was like fucking Christmas morning! All these smoking hot southern belles come waltzing in like they fuckin own the place and my friends jaws hit the floor. And the best part was not only were these girls incredibly gorgeous, they brought around sixty-five 40’s with them. I guess the chicks we know had told the other girls about our little game, and the Texans thought they had what it took to hang with the big boys. They had no idea what they were getting themselves into. So right away we start off with some whiskey shots, then body shots of tequila, and some interesting shots of Ouzo out of some girls perfectly round ass-crack. Needless to say the night was starting off pretty good. So after about an hour of pretty heavy drinking, one of the girls starts saying how she is going to whoop our asses in Edward 40 hands. Yeah right. You see the trick to Edward 40 hands is you have to pee right before you start, and drink both 40’s really fast so you can get un-taped and go piss. Otherwise your fucked and it will sit in your stomach to long and you’ll puke, or piss your pants. So we tape up all the girls and ourselves. But we changed the rules a little bit. The losing TEAM has to do a bun run, guys vs. girls. Well lets just say it wasnt a fair fight, because we had been doing this for years and these girls were borderline drunk already. What happened next was so funny I almost pissed my pants watching it go down. A couple of the girls actually finished pretty quick, but by then all us guys were done. And hammered. The ones that finished immediatly puked, then started fucking with the ones that still had their hands taped! They were tickling each other so hard two of the girls pissed their pants! Thank god we were outside. So that set off everyone laughing so hard my buddy threw up! By now everyone was super wasted and after some mouthwash matt and I and a couple of the Texans started getting it on a little. Just stripping them down and playing “who gan get the best rrrrrawlski” it was a fucking shit show. And all the Texans weren’t even finished yet! So finally all the girls finish, take a piss or puke, and get cleaned up. Well since they lost, they had to bun run around the house! Now thank god it was the middle of june and 85 degrees outside. But what the girls didnt know was a couple of my friends went inside and started filling up water balloons with ice cold water. So being the good sports they were, all the girls, 20 smoking hot girls with southern accents, stripped down butt ass naked and started to run around the house. Thats when we got em! Matt brought out the water balloons and we started gunning these chicks with that ice cold water like it was our job! They were screaming, falling everywhere, and laughing their asses off (just like us ). So now their all dripping wet, butt ass naked, horny and drunk. But there were 20 of them and only 8 of us! Watching those nice southern belles turn into vindictive bitches with each other, vying for our attention was something else. It was too easy. We all ended up geting laid, matt and I with 3 each, and everyone else too im pretty sure. ( I dont know because the entire house was like a drunken girls gone wild porno, and Matt and I took our girls in the master bedroom and bathroom for a nice hot shower and bed time) Needless to say, best party ever. And I owe it all to my magical little friend, the 40.

Read the other wild stories from Paul and Eric

It was the first time I had every played “Edward Fortyhands” in my Freshman year at college.  Before I played it, not knowing what the hell it was all about, I had some…diarrhea problems earlier in the day.  So I’m about halfway through playing the game, and I realized that I had to fart.  So I let one rip. It was really loud and stinky.  Ended up being, I “sharted”! My pants were just covered in my crap and I was trying to run to the bathroom but people were having sex in it.  So I run outside and try to depants myself (kind of tough when you got two 40 oz duct taped to your hands).  After about five minutes, I finally get my pants off and rip the bottles out of my hands with my feet, the cops show up and I’m in the backyard naked, covered in shit, and totally wasted.  I had NO ambition to run.  Still to this day, I am known as “Edward Shittypants” all around the college.

Kinda like this, but without pants on and covered in doo doo butter.

We’ve teamed up with gorillamask.net to give away some cozies in one of their contests.  Tell them your greatest/funniest/wildest drunken adventure that involves a 40 and you could win a pack of cozies.  Stephen has gotten the ball rolling with his own story and we can’t wait to see the winning entries.  Here is how to enter.

Be sure to check out the rest of gorillamask while you’re their, its a great site and has tons of updates every day.

UPDATE: The three winners of the 40cozy prize packs have been selected. NOt surprisingly two of them involved playing Edward Forty Hands. Go check out the sordid tales:

Paul’s Adventure with Cheech, Cheeba, Chollas and an El Camino

Casey’s  Sloppy Southern Sorority Sister Slaying

Eric’s Close Encounter of the Tird Kind

Click any link or scroll down to see how each match-up went: Mickey’s vs Country Club, Colt 45 vs St. Ides Original, St. Ides Berry Special Brew vs Schlitz V.S.L., Four vs. Magnum, Hurricane High Gravity vs. Steel Reserve, Samichlaus vs King Cobra, Olde English vs Tilt (Green), Schlitz O.M.L. vs Sparks (black).

Here are the pics from the event:

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Featured:

Beer Bitch/Head Honcho – Los Nasty

Panel of Judges – Ginge the Baby Crane, 40Deez Nuh, Crippled Finger, 40ozphil & NoMassWood

Posse – Hot Mamacitas, Sleepy Chris, PoohWater Baby Wood

Score:

Olde English: 2

Tilt (green): 3

Tilt (green) earned the nickname echto-water during this competition.  It comes out of the can in an antifreeze green color and neither the flavor nor the color seems to represent anything in nature.  It crept on past the Olde English in a very close competition.  This was a flavored malt liquor versus a classic but what can you say, ginas need malt lovin too.

Score:

Samichlaus: 1

King Cobra: 4

Samichlaus holds the Guinness World record for highest alcohol content in a beer at 14%.  Its like three beers in one.  We had high hopes for this one but the judges thought it tasted like Oily Malt Syrup.  We’re not sure what that means exactly but it was no mongoose for the classic King Cobra.

Score:

Schlitz O.M.L.: 2

Sparks (black): 3

Another fruity malt liquor makes it into the Elite 8, but this match up was much more heated. Many of the participants initially refused to drink the orange beverage in their cup, as they’d made personal pacts to not drink such swill. Two of us were Sparks fans, but one of the haters defected and pushed Sparks Black onward. Schlitz Original Malt Liquor was well received, but it sadly couldn’t compete.

Score:

Hurricane High Gravity: 5

Steel Reserve: 0

All of us have a spot in our hearts for Steel Reserve, as it played a significant part in the bad decisions of our younger years. But the Steely just didn’t compare to Hurrican HG’s smooth (read: less severe) flavor. While we cleared our palates with pork rinds between each round, we couldn’t adjust to the intense taste of Steel Reserve. Hurricane moves on to the Elite 8.

Score:

St. Ides Berry Special Brew: 5

Schlitz V.S.L.: 0

We all were a little embarrassed to let a fruity malt liquor make it to the Elite 8, but the fact is St. Ides Berry Special Brew is pretty delicious. Schlitz VSL just wasn’t able to compete, and all five of the judges hesitantly lifted the Berry Brew cup as the victor.