Paul C. from Tucson is one of the 3 finalists for GorillaMask’s 40oz story contest. One thing though, Paul: Half of our company is Latino and/or dating one, and we don’t appreciate anyone smacking our ladies up. Or any ladies for that matter. Keep that in mind or I’ll cut you, puto. Here’s his forty ounce story:

I was on a 40 oz. (Old English) tear that summer. My best friend and his Dad would pick me up an we would cruise the city drinking 40’s in his Dad’s ‘81 El Camino. This one particular night the Old Gold was hitting me hard. After I downed my first one, we stopped at a liquor store to get some more. My friend and his Dad go in the store and tell me to stay in the car. They enter and I say “Fuck this!” and head in the store myself with a big shit-eating grin on. I see the store clerk mopping so I pull an Ezel from Friday and fall flat on my ass on purpose and yell “I’m suing y’all!”, bringing down a couple of bags of chips with me. Needless to say, a scene was made. So my friend’s Dad (who we call Cheech cause, well, he looks like Cheech Marin) is buying the beers and making small talk to alleviate any tension I have created. He’s telling them about how he used to work down the street at a mechanic’s shop and how he “came here all the time” and I proceed to beligerantly say “Cheech, shut the fuck up. They don’t give a fuck about that shit. Buy the beer and let’s go!”. The only thing I hear after that is my best friend giggling and the clerk telling Cheech how much the beer is. So, after we get the beer, we cruise for a while we stop at a park so me and my friend can smoke a litlle doobie. (His Dad was cool like that). So, we get to smoking and Cheech, who was a little sad I made him look like a dick, starts fucking with me. We get to fucking around and it turns into a slap boxing match. I give him a good one to his kisser and he gets pissed and proceeds to chase me. He says he’s gonna leave me and he jumps in the El Camino. I jump in the back and try to give him a punch in the shoulder, miss, and end up giving him a good shot to the left side of his head. My friend Raul, his son, said his head actually rattled between my fist and the head rest. This was an accident of course but he couldn’t see that so he zoomed off and left me there to make my own way home. So I’m sitting on a bench thinking about how the fuck I’m gonna get home and some hussies in a convertible cruise by. They could tell I wasn’t a hobo so they asked me what I was doing here alone. So I tell them my (more…)

The second winner of the GorillaMask 40oz story competition is Casey from Michigan. Another casualty to the Edward 40 Hands! My B.S. detector went off with this story, but I do know this kind of thing happens on those rare times when the planets align for a plucky, young collegiate, so I’ll give Casey the benefit of the doubt. Check it:

K here goes,

My name is Casey and I was an alcoholic. Well all my friends from college and I were, but that’s not the point. I live in Rochester Hills Michigan right next to Oakland University. Now I know a lot of you people out there dont know anything about Oakland U, but there is one thing you should know. There are 4 to 1 girls to guys on that campus. And most of the chicks around here are pretty wealthy, thus well taken care of by daddy and amazingly hot. Well my buddies and I used to have house parties at my crib at least 2 nights a week, from the time I was 21 to…. well… now. And one of these such parties was by far the best. We play this game called Edward 40 hands.  The object of the game is to finish both 40’s before the other people playing. The loser is the one who either, throws up, pisses their pants, or is the last to finish. And if you are unfortunate enough to lose, then you have to bun run around the house with the whole party taunting you the whole time. Now back to the story. It was a saturday night and I had 6 or 7 of my good friends over, who by the way never pull any tail, EVER. And my buddy Matt, who is the only one besides me who isnt vaginally challenged enough to score some poon. So naturally Matt and I start calling some girls, telling everyone we were having a bonfire and to bring 40’s for the game. Well little did we know that the girls we called had a sister sorority in from texas, and were bringing 20 or so smoking hott girls over with them. So about a half hour goes by and we are starting to hit the sauce pretty heavy, when ding-dong, the girls showed up. It was like fucking Christmas (more…)

We ran a contest with our homies at GorillaMask.net, to see who could send in the wildest story involving drinking one or multiple 40 oz beverages. Here’s one of the winning stories from their reader Eric B. from Iowa, with a pretty ridiculous and tragically hilarious 40oz story:

It was the first time I had every played “Edward Fortyhands” in my Freshman year at college.  Before I played it, not knowing what the hell it was all about, I had some…diarrhea problems earlier in the day.  So I’m about halfway through playing the game, and I realized that I had to fart.  So I let one rip. It was really loud and stinky.  Ended up being, I “sharted”! My pants were just covered in my crap and I was trying to run to the bathroom but people were having sex in it.  So I run outside and try to depants myself (kind of tough when you got two 40 oz duct taped to your hands).  After about five minutes, I finally get my pants off and rip the bottles out of my hands with my feet, the cops show up and I’m in the backyard naked, covered in shit, and totally wasted.  I had NO ambition to run.  Still to this day, I am known as “Edward Shittypants” all around the college.

Kinda like this, but without pants on and covered in doo doo butter.

We’ve teamed up with gorillamask.net to give away some cozies in one of their contests.  Tell them your greatest/funniest/wildest drunken adventure that involves a 40 and you could win a pack of cozies.  Stephen has gotten the ball rolling with his own story and we can’t wait to see the winning entries.  Here is how to enter.

Be sure to check out the rest of gorillamask while you’re their, its a great site and has tons of updates every day.

UPDATE: The three winners of the 40cozy prize packs have been selected. NOt surprisingly two of them involved playing Edward Forty Hands. Go check out the sordid tales:

Paul’s Adventure with Cheech, Cheeba, Chollas and an El Camino

Casey’s  Sloppy Southern Sorority Sister Slaying

Eric’s Close Encounter of the Tird Kind

Friday we held the first round of our Sweet 16 Malt Liquor Madness tourney, which started off with a bang. With basketball on the tube and over sixteen malt liquors to sample, none of us could think of a better way to start the weekend.
Los Nasty – aka the Cocaine Cowboy – was officiating the event, rockin’ snake skin boots and an air of authority. Seven judges, selected for the collective liver damage and distinguished palates, prepped themselves with nachos and some light stretching.
Scroll down and you’ll find each of the eight match-ups and the results for which malt liquors moved on to the Elite 8. Let me tell you, we were pretty surprised by some of the results. We all wrote down our bracketology predictions, thinking the usual suspects would definitely make it far along in the tourney. Well, we soon realized that blind taste tests can throw even the most seasoned beer fan completely off, especially with 16 different brews to sample. And by sample, we ended up throwing the 2 oz test taste out the window, going with the half cup. The end of the round was a little rowdy with some slightly clouded judging, but we’ll stick by the results (even though some were pretty controversial once the winners were announced).

Click any link or scroll down to see how each match-up went: Mickey’s vs Country Club, Colt 45 vs St. Ides Original, St. Ides Berry Special Brew vs Schlitz V.S.L., Four vs. Magnum, Hurricane High Gravity vs. Steel Reserve, Samichlaus vs King Cobra, Olde English vs Tilt (Green), Schlitz O.M.L. vs Sparks (black).

Here are the pics from the event:

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Featured:

Beer Bitch/Head Honcho – Los Nasty

Panel of Judges – Ginge the Baby Crane, 40Deez Nuh, Crippled Finger, 40ozphil & NoMassWood

Posse – Hot Mamacitas, Sleepy Chris, PoohWater Baby Wood

Winner: Tilt (green)

Score:

Olde English: 2

Tilt (green): 3

Tilt (green) earned the nickname echto-water during this competition.  It comes out of the can in an antifreeze green color and neither the flavor nor the color seems to represent anything in nature.  It crept on past the Olde English in a very close competition.  This was a flavored malt liquor versus a classic but what can you say, ginas need malt lovin too.

Winner: King Cobra

Score:

Samichlaus: 1

King Cobra: 4

Samichlaus holds the Guinness World record for highest alcohol content in a beer at 14%.  Its like three beers in one.  We had high hopes for this one but the judges thought it tasted like Oily Malt Syrup.  We’re not sure what that means exactly but it was no mongoose for the classic King Cobra.

Winner: Sparks (black)

Score:

Schlitz O.M.L.: 2

Sparks (black): 3

Another fruity malt liquor makes it into the Elite 8, but this match up was much more heated. Many of the participants initially refused to drink the orange beverage in their cup, as they’d made personal pacts to not drink such swill. Two of us were Sparks fans, but one of the haters defected and pushed Sparks Black onward. Schlitz Original Malt Liquor was well received, but it sadly couldn’t compete.

Winner: Hurricane High Gravity

Score:

Hurricane High Gravity: 5

Steel Reserve: 0

All of us have a spot in our hearts for Steel Reserve, as it played a significant part in the bad decisions of our younger years. But the Steely just didn’t compare to Hurrican HG’s smooth (read: less severe) flavor. While we cleared our palates with pork rinds between each round, we couldn’t adjust to the intense taste of Steel Reserve. Hurricane moves on to the Elite 8.

Winner: St. Ides Berry Special Brew

Score:

St. Ides Berry Special Brew: 5

Schlitz V.S.L.: 0

We all were a little embarrassed to let a fruity malt liquor make it to the Elite 8, but the fact is St. Ides Berry Special Brew is pretty delicious. Schlitz VSL just wasn’t able to compete, and all five of the judges hesitantly lifted the Berry Brew cup as the victor.